


of bitches and men, and bitches who try to cancel them

by Anonymous



Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: I GOT SOME OF MY DIALOUGE FROM GTA V, John Carter the 69th Gets Bitchslapped, LIGHT Mentions of Romano/Corday and Weaver/Legaspi, Multi, Name droppin, Offensive Probably to Alotta People, QUOTES IN ALL CAPS, Warning: This is the fanfiction equivalent of me beating a trashcan with a crowbar, euuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhhitsbeenalongyear, fgfgfgygfdyugh, fuckin cunt, originally gifted to an ableist shitlord, say hi to the folks at home GinnyK, who gets a boner for writing disgusting things and not tagging them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29676825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: fueled from a day of bad news, a discovery of my country reaching a ripe ol milestone of 500K covid deaths, and a burning hatred for how season 10 started and ended, i(against my better judgement) decided to write. i don't think i'm even gonna put my name on thisfuck it all to hell
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3
Collections: anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> written in script format...sorta
> 
> dedicated to my mother and my father, and my dying brain cells and rush limbaugh, who just died a lil bit ago and is finally, mercifully rotting in hell :)
> 
> i don't even know anymore man

The episode is 10x03—"Dear Abby". We see KERRY WEAVER THE EVIL BEAVER EATER AND 19TH CENTURY PIONEER OF OF CANCEL CULTURE AND OTHER SUCH FUCKERY exiting the elevator.

" **RAW-BERT!!!!!!!!!!!!** " she wailed. Her voice was about as beautiful as a songbird drowning in a pit of hot tar on the busy streets of Atlanta on a muggy, sweltering, _disgusting_ summer day. Fit to make one puke.   


' **RAW-BERT** '—or, as he's typically being addressed when he's not being screeched at by a raving banshee, ROBERT ROMANO, looked about as happy to see the red-headed demon as anyone would be after hearing dreadful news from their dentist that they are in dire need of wisdom tooth extraction surgery, and need to get a few measly teeth torn from their jawbone, GRUESOMELY, with a series of sharp, stainless steel instruments.   


"oh my fucking god what do you want, can't you see i'm busy as fuck in this disgusting ass ER that you dumped on me in the midst of trying to get my fucked up life in order—as if i didn't have enough problems, tHANK YOU MICHAEL CRICHTON."

"DID YOU FIRE LIKE 8 NURSES TODAY YOU PROBLEMATIC LITTLE WHITE MAN!??!?!??!?!?!?" We see a handful of UNNAMED SCHOOL CHILDREN OF VARIOUS RACES, GENDERS, ET-CETRA cover their ears at the sound of Weaver's ear-piercing shriek, suddenly regretting taking that specific route to the children's ward where their sick classmate was. Right now, though, every one of them looked like they would pay with their parents' entire plentiful boomer retirement funds to be that sick kid, 5 floors away so they wouldn't have to stand there and wITNESS THIS.

"YES, KERRY, I DID. THEY WERE SITTING AT DUNKIN DONUTS ALL DAY INSTEAD OF DOING THEIR JOBS. THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN PEOPLE YOU EMPLOY SPEND ALL DAY COCKSLAPPING EACH OTHER IN THE FACE AT SOME GRUNGY DONUT CHAIN INSTEAD OF WORKING. MR. FLENDERSON IN EXAM 3 ALMOST CHOKED TO DEATH ON HIS TUNA SALAD BECAUSE THERE WERE HARDLY ANY NURSES TO ATTEND TO HIM. PEOPLE R DYING, KERRY. you dumb bitch,"

"Yeah, yeah, WHO CARES!!! You have undermined my fragile authority for the last time, RAW-BERT!!! YOU FIRE ANYONE ELSE, EVEN A CANDY STRIPER, AND YOU'RE GOING WITH THEM!!!!!" Her grating voice just got louder. Patients were becoming very emotionally and psychologically disturbed.

"Consider this an official reprimand." Anyone within even a 50-foot radius could tell the miserable old broad was practically creaming her jeans at her sudden use of *sparkle emoji* WOMANLY AUTHORITY *sparkle emoji, fairy emoji, sun with face emoji* to belittle a PROBLEMATIC, MISOGYNISTIC, SEXIST, RACIST, AND WHATEVER OTHER BULLSHIT TERMS THE K-POPPERS USE NOWADAYS TO TARGET INNOCENT PEOPLE WHO JUST SO HAPPEN TO BE GUILTY OF BEING A WHITE MAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN in _her_ hospital that she got only from the fruits of her almost-6-SEASON ENDEAVOR OF SUCKIN' ON PEOPLE'S HEARTSTRINGS ABOUT SHIT ROMANO DID THAT AIN'T EVEN TRUE.

We see KERRY WEAVER begin to limp away from him, triumphantly, her head held high, before Robert piped up again...GOD HELP HIS SOUL.

"YOU ARE ONE GRADE-A BITCH." The monster from Hell he dared to address in that moment turned back around. "You know that, Kerry?"

She limped back up to him, remaining complacent, emitting an aura of a Karen in your local supermarket, wearing a cheese-cloth mash and a shirt that reads 'TRUMP 2020, THE BEST IS YET TO COME'

"No. I'm your boss, and as long as I am, you're my bitch. Now get back to work."

We see ABBY LOCKHART off to one side, grinning smugly as she watched Romano the straight white cis m-m-M-MAAAAAAAN*pisses pants at the mere notion of such an evil demon* get CANCELLED *sparkles emoji, fairy emoji, female gender symbol that kind of looks like a KEY emoji*. Then her shit-eating grin faded, and frantically, her head snapped downward as she looked at her watch. ABBY was dismayed to discover that she was late for yet ANOTHER simp-session over her FLAVOR OF THE EPISODE...*flipping through some papers, struggling for a moment to conjure up the answer* ah yes, now i remember, LUKA KOVAC, THE DARK, DEPRESSED, EMO CROATIAN BOY.

ABBY ran away abruptly, and KERRY WEAVER began to limp off yet again when ROMANO called after her once more, something he assumed would prove terrible for his eardrums—and his shins, assuming Satan's Little Helper got fed up with his presence and attacked the poor man with her cane.

"Oh, don't hate me because I'm beautiful bitch. Maybe if you got rid of that old outdated-ass bob haircut you've had since season fucking 7 you'd get some bitches on your dick. Or better yet, maybe Legaspi would call your ass up from San Francisco, assuming she didn't already find someone better than a backstabbing wretch like you—maybe a lawyer or a brain surgeon, or someone else sexier and more successful than YOU."

This time, ROMANO begins to walk away, and WEAVER stood there stunned, watching him with wide eyes. The bald man then knocked over an enTIRE RACK OF MEDICAL SUPPLIES, LETTING THEM FLY IN EVERY FUCKING DIRECTION.

"THEY DON'T PAY ME ENOUGH TO DICKRIDE YOU, KERRY. I QUIT!"

JOHN TRUMAN CARTER THE IVth ENTERS THE SCENE, randomly materializing fro whatever little village in Africa he'd been staying in for like 3 months. He attempts to block the fed up, angry bald man's path with every intention of confronting him like the little rich white knight PUSSYBOY he is for disrespecting his beloved mentor so heinously.   


Alas, he only succeeded in being fucking BITCHSLAPPED TO THE GROUND by Romano, unsurprising after he told ABBY he wanted to marry her, then IMMEDIATELY RUNS AWAY TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY 4600 FUCKING MILES AWAY LIKE EVERY NORMAL PERSON DOES TO THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER INSTEAD OF TALKING OR SOMETHING STUPID AND POINTLESS LIKE THAT.

GOD

"FUCK THIS SHITFESTERING ER AND FUCK THIS WHOLE DAMN CITY. I'm OUT!!!" He announced to damn near the whole ER who'd suddenly gathered to watch his and WEAVER's altercation. Even Luka was there, hardly even standing at all, leaning heavily on one crutch, obviously on the verge of DEATH from that pesky little parasite called Malaria.   


"YOU ALL CAN SUCK ON MY DICK AND CHOKE ON IT!!" Romano chucked his ID badge on the ground as if he were discarding a greasy, used condom.

"AND IF ANY OF YOU SHITBIRDS NEED ME, I'LL BE VACATIONING IN FRANCE FOR AS LONG AS I CAN AFFORD WITH LIZZIE AND SIPPING FANCY EUROPEAN WINES UNTIL I FORGET WHO ANY OF YOU CUNTS EVEN ARE!!! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL!!"

and then my boy ran off into the sunset with the girl of his dreams like this pig circus of a drama show shoulda ended...YOU IMBECILES

Kerry Weaver stared after him as he marched out of the elevator area thing pIECE A SHIT AREA THAT CONNECTS TO THE STAIRS AND SOME EXAM ROOMS AND SHIT, her authority CRUMBLED LIKE A SUBWAY COOKIE, her fragile femininity in shambles, JUST LIKE MY MARRAIGE.

Carter still lay on that cold, hard floor, nursing a bloody nose and a broken ego, wishing it was still his turn to be simped for by Abby.......................................................................................

...i'm just playin', michael crichton, you know i love u :)

...sorta

suck my balls

and my cock

shit i don't know


	2. chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> roses are red,  
> i wrote some more,  
> Joe Biden,  
> give me mY 1400 DOLLARS, YOU CUM-GARGLING WHORE.

It is less than 30 seconds from where we left off. We see KERRY WEAVER frantically limping through the busy hallways of the emergency room ROBERT ROMANO had just left to fester like an infected zit on Donald Trump's fat orange ass, now unsupervised, fed up with hers and the writers' shit since like season 8. 

"RAW-BERT!!!!" She hollered after him, determined to catch up with the man, who now speed-walked away from her, nothing on his mind apart from fancy french wines, his dear Lizzie...LITERALLY ANYTHING short of turning around to face the red-headed devil and hear whatever bullshit she had left to spew at him. She cut off EMTs wheeling gurneys with literal dying patients on them, almost tripped several times because she was moving so god damn fast—and even shoved one of the rehired nurses she'd been *sparkle emoji, heart emoji, fairy emoji* ADVOCATING IN THE FACE OF AN EVIL, STRAIGHT, CISGENDERED WHITE MAAAAAAN*SPARKLE EMOJIS AND FAIRY EMOJIS INTENSIFY TENFOLD* the FUCK out of her path, hellbent on making the bald man's grand exit twice as hard as it needed to be. 

ROMANO picked up the pace just a little bit more, slamming his hand on the button to the automatic doors of that hellhole once, twice, so many times and with so much force that he almost broke the fucking switch, before they finally opened, allowing him to all but sprint out the door. 

It was too late, though, and as soon as Robert's feet hit the pavement of the ambulance bay, he felt a hand grab his shoulder. Exasperated, he whirled around to face her for a fleeting moment, barking out one brief, concise, eloquent statement to the stubborn old broad behind him.

"SHOVE IT, KERRY!! AND SAVE IT FOR DR. ANSPAUGH, OR WHICHEVER OTHER POOR AUTHORITY FIGURE YOU'VE BEEN HANGING AROUND LIKE A HUNGRY VULTURE NOWADAYS!" 

KERRY's flavor of the week(or, rather, just another doctor who was higher up in the hospital administration chain whom she constantly circled like a hungry turkey buzzard circles a dead raccoon that's been rotting in the sun, on the side of the road, for 3 fucking days) had, in fact, been Dr. Anspaugh. 

"RAW-BERT, you can't just quit!! We don't have anyone to manage your position, and no one else is qualified for the job!!!" KERRY made a vain attempt to negotiate with the former surgeon as he continued to walk away, unbothered. 

"Not my problem." He called back to her, not even so much as peering over his shoulder as the distance between them grew more and more. 8 TIMES 8 IS 64!!

"But you can't just _leave_." Kerry's voice softened quite a bit from the harsh, ear-raping tone she'd been using throughout the short duration of her Chief of Staff career as she switched to an alternate negotiation method. "This hospital needs you. We need someone to manage this ER, and at the moment, you're the only one equipped to do so."

"Not my problem."

"Kovac is dying of Malaria, Carter is all the way in Africa," she pleaded still, ignoring the fact that Carter's pathetic presence had been there last chapter and was probably still in the ER with his broken nose, probably being tended to by Abby, making the plot of theirs and Kovac's love triangle thicken even further. "Mark Greene just died a little over a year ago. And there's a whole crowd of Residents in there who need someone to set the tone. To mentor them through the ups and downs of one of the hardest parts of their medical careers."

"Not my problem."

"You can't leave, Robert. Not like this." Kerry took some steps toward the still-retreating bald man, enough steps to where she was _sure_ he could still hear her. "This hospital would miss you. All of us here at the hospital would miss you, whether they realize it or not."

"Not my fucking problem."

Obviously, her attempts to guilt trip and flatter Romano had failed. Miserably. This sad fact caused the disgruntled lesbian to BLOW A FUCKING GASKET.

Indignantly, she took a few quick steps towards him, inwardly debating on whether or not to attack him with her crutch right there in that ambulance bay, even with plenty of witnesses there to give Romano plenty of material to bring her up on battery charges. 

" **NOW LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! YOU'RE GONNA WALK RIGHT THE FUCK BACK IN THERE AND DO YOUR JOB OR SO HELP ME GOD I'M SHOVING THIS METAL POLE SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT'S COMING OUT YOUR MOUTH!!!!!** " *FAIRY EMOJIS AND SUN WITH FACE EMOJIS INTENSIFYING TO THE POINT WHERE THEY COULD EASILY KILL A SMALL VILLAGE* *STRONG, INDEPENDENT FEMININITY INTENSIFYING TO THE POINT WHERE IT COULD EASILY MAKE BEN SHAPIRO SHIT HIS PANTS* " **LIKE IT OR NOT, YOUR CONTRACT DOESN'T END FOR ANOTHER 4 MONTHS, SO UNTIL JANUARY FIRST OF TWO-THOUSAND-AND-I-OWN-YOUR-ASS YOU'RE STILL MY LITTLE MIDGET BITCH, NOW GET THE FUCK** **BACK** **IN THERE AND ROUND ON PATIENTS YOU GOD DAMN PUNY LITTLE WHITE MAN!!!!!** "

"Oh yeah?" Robert asked, turning back around all of a sudden to fix her with his calm, complacent stare, somehow managing to keep his cool uncharacteristically well assuming the screeching, yapping, annoying little chihuahua of a human being ranting at him so fervently. "And just what the fuck are you gonna do to make me stay?"

"I'll expose your ass, Robert. So. Fucking. Hard." it was evident for the second time that episode that Weaver was on the verge of literally ripping off her shirt and labcoat and VIGOROUSLY stroking her nipples to this lovely, orgasmic opportunity to belittle and erase the prestigious career of a(say it with me now, kids) **HOMOPHOBIC, RACIST, SEXIST, CISGENDERED, MISOGYNISTIC, STRAIGHT, XENOPHOBIC, WHITE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYUN** *FAIRY EMOJIS ARE NOW INTENSE ENOUGH TO COMPETE WITH THE A BOMB THAT DESTROYED HIROSHIMA* 

"That bad evaluation you gave Maggie Doyle way back? Firing Legaspi because she was a lesbian? Firing Peter because he was looking out for a patient you didn't want to operate on? All the havoc you brought within the four walls of _my_ hospital?" She stepped closer to him, her tone almost seductive as she brought up all the ways she could cancel his ass, blackball him from the entire medical community and raise so much publicity on her behalf for exposing what she truly believed to be your average everyday sexist, misogynistic pig. 

John Carter, who all of a sudden was spectating the two doctors' bitch fight from the sidelines with a bloody rag against his broken, fucked up nose, threw up on the ground so hard it came spewing from his nose. It was all just too much of Kerry getting off on the misfortune of a misogynistic white man for him to handle.

"I'm gonna drag it all up from the past and fuck you with it so. Fucking. _Hard_." Hearing her talk like that, to _him_ —

Romano looked as if he were about to lose his lunch himself. 

"After all these years of putting up with your shit, you'll FINALLY GET YOURS, ROMANO!!!" She laughed maniacally at the lavish control she had over her former boss and longtime enemy, the one who'd been violating her precious work environment with his toxic masculinity for TOO LONG! 

Her triumph was short lived, though, as she was soon hit by an oncoming ambulance that Romano had to sprint out of the way to avoid being hit by, too. 

Oh, and then a fucking helicopter fell on top of the ambulance and her both, murdering every possible survivor of the crash in a fiery, horrible explosion that killed like 5 of your favorite characters at once, including the very moody and tragically injured John Carter the 69th—because THAT'S THE ER WAY.

Dr. Romano looked on, his eyes wide with eldritch horror at the occurrence. Had he run to Weaver's aid instead of ducking behind a nearby trashcan, worrying the spawn of Satan would just get right back up and rape him with her crutch.....

"Yup. Fuck this. I'm moving to Europe." 

And with that, he RAN. And I mean **RAN** from the disastrous plotline of this series' later seasons. He didn't even stop and fetch his car from the garage, either. Just ran like mad until he jumped on a bus, making sure he was at LEAST 3 or 4 cities away from the scene of all those abrupt, heartbreaking major character deaths from this season and the many, MANY that preceded it before he allowed himself to breathe again, deciding right then and there to depart from medicine and switch to a profession that wasn't so haunted for him. Like a gardener, or a stripper, or something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THAT CONCLUDES THE EXCITING CONCLUSION OF "of bitches and men, and bitches who try to cancel them"
> 
> GOOD DAY, CHILDREN


End file.
